Boob Job

Friday I got a boob job. Okay, it's not really a boob job but boob job sounds so much better than biopsy. At my annual exam my doc noticed a lump on my right side. "Have you felt this before?", she asked me? "No, but you can ask my husband", I told her. She sent me in for a mammogram which, by the way, is not nearly as bad as all the female comedians make it out to be. The mammogram apparently didn't show them what they wanted to see on account of my "density" so they took an ultrasound. And, sure enough, it was right there. Half a golfball nestled in my layers of boob fill. "Biopsy" they recommended. I wasn't worried, seeing as how there is no family history of breast cancer and I'm not a white woman over 40. I wasn't worried until the nurse walked me out of the ultrasound room, patted me on the back and said, "I'm so sorry" in her softest I'm-a-caring-nurse voice.

It was painful. Yes, they numbed the area. They stuck a huge needle into my breast and pushed it in further and further so they could numb it up down to the core. But we hadn't even gotten to the fun part yet. Of course, my husband was in there, for moral support and to see the coolest show on earth. Much cooler than a C-section. Where, by the way, he took PICTURES of me splayed on the surgery table with my insides peeking out. For my biopsy they made a half inch slit then stuck a long needle-like rod into the incision. The end of the rod had a modified drill bit that would shave off portions of the offending lump. The rod was attached to a vaccuum so that the doc could take a sample of boob tissue. I watched it all on the ultrasound screen with my head cocked sideways and my husband looking over my shoulder for the best view of the show.

I did pretty well the entire day until the end of the procedure where I just lost it and started crying. The day was just too long and worst of all, I hadn't planned it to go this way. For those of you who don't know me, I'm a little crazy with my planning. My outburst must've been shocking to everyone in the room-one second I'm watching the screen, the next I'm dripping tears-that they all asked, "can you feel that?!" "No" I told them, "I just want to go home". They removed all rods, sealed me up with steri-strip and showed me my boob sample. It looked like a few flesh colored worms floating at the bottom of a pee cup. Perhaps seeing that at a different time would have been interesting but at that particular time, it was just annoying.

After that I was released and they told me they'd call me on Tuesday or Wednesday. Really? Now, really? Modern medicine and I have to wait the entire weekend PLUS an extra work day? Fine. I used this time to call my mom and dad and get our family health history. Then I called some close friends to let them know about my day.

So, Today the doc called and all is well. Negative biopsy and recheck in 3 months. Ahhhh....