My favorite F-words

What makes a life worth living? Friendship. Family. Fun. Faith. For me, those are what I need. Sometimes I take that for granted. Okay, I often take that for granted. Friends I've made throughout my about-to-be 35 years have come and gone. Some have stayed.

Recently I moved across the country, back to my home state, and reconnected with old friends. It's been an challenging yet amazing journey. The growth in me, my priorities, my mindset, my self worth from high school to adulthood had never before been apparent. I miss the relationships I made in the Midwest. I am reacquainting myself with the friends of my younger years and now am understanding the need-yes, need!-for solid, honest, long lasting friendships.

My best friend from high school found out she had breast cancer while she was pregnant. We sat together during one of her chemo treatments, she was about 7 months pregnant. Between the two of us, she was the quiet one, the one who got "sucked in" to my crazy antics. As we sat there, she told me about finding out about cancer, educating herself and fighting it and I cherished her even more than I knew I could. As she spoke I watched her, in her scarf covered head talk and thought about us as girls, dressing up for prom together (because I wouldn't go unless she went, of course!), photographing for the high school yearbook, meeting to party on weekends in college, being in each others weddings...she was part of my life-"my life" and here she was fearlessly facing death. Thankfully, the cancer is in remission and her gorgeous boy was born healthy. I couldn't imagine my life without her. Another friend from high school recently died suddenly. We had kept in touch on and off throughout the years. Only after his death did I learn that he had been homeless, jobless, divorced and unable to maintain a stable life. Both of these situations reminded me the importance of being a friend. That, for me, friendship means dedication.

The move across country separated me from friends I made over the 10 years I lived in Indiana. A few I met when I first moved there and stayed close to over the years; most I met when I became a mother. Having a support system when I was feeling overwhelmed, alone and unworthy was something (I can see now) that I took for granted. Hindsight...you know what they say. Now, living in a new town I've tried to make friends to replace the old. To fill in for my friends that I miss. All the while overlooking the new relationships that I can form. I have found myself mourning the loss of what was but overlooking who I am and who I can be to others.

Recently, I found myself in a very dark place. I wallowed in all the "what I don't have". I chose to be a victim of my circumstances instead of embracing the new opportunities. I was ashamed to admit my weakness but called on family. Unexpectedly, my father dropped everything and flew up the day after I called him. He cleaned, did laundry, played with the kids, listened to and counseled me without judgement. One day he encouraged me to leave the house. As we were out and about in town I ran into people I'd met over the 6 months of living here, I chatted with some other mother's in the park, I got a hug from the local coffee shop girl who asked where I'd been hiding myself. And I realized what I do have.

I have friends, I have family, and, I have fun. I love to laugh, to make people smile, to include people, to socialize, to experience and I make "fun" a priority. Whether it be imaginary play with my kids, karaoke with the girls, concerts with my husband, experimenting with new recipes, trying out new classes at the gym, volunteering...fun is what gets me through the day. A life without fun is a life wasted. If I am not making life fun, not laughing at the moments, not embracing the good in life then I feel unhealthy. I want people to see me and feel happy and know that I enjoy life and accept all that God has blessed me with.

Faith. Ahhhh, faith. Today I confided in someone that I'd lost my faith. For the last 5 years my family was part of a church that was the center of our lives. It had everything our family needed: family groups, activities, wonderful services, strong spiritual leadership. After moving to Texas, we visited local churches, didn't find our "match" and gave up. And that is the key. I gave up. I gave up faith. Faith that God just is. That He is and always will be. The friend I confided my lost faith to told me, "Every day just remind yourself that you have faith. Even if you don't believe it, you will. It's there." And I knew that it was there, just waiting for me to return.

And now, I have faith.